According to the US Census Bureau, 19.7 million children, nearly a quarter of American children live in father-absent homes. Research shows that, when a child is raised in a father-absent home, he or she can be affected in a number of ways. The child is two times more likely to drop out of school; has a four times greater risk of living in poverty; and is more likely to have behavioral problems, experience abuse and neglect, abuse drugs and alcohol, suffer obesity, and commit crime. Cohabitation, divorce, and nonmarital childbearing are the three primary drivers of father absence.
In addition, many children were raised by solo mothers because their fathers were simply unavailable. They didn’t spend enough time with their children due primarily to work obligations and, in some cases, to not living with them. Compared to other fathers, fathers who did not have a close relationship with their mother at birth had less contact and the weakest connections with their children.
Whatever the reason for a father’s absence, the lack can have a detrimental effect on our resonance. A healthy inner mother and a healthy inner father are equally important components of developing the best resonance—both inside and out. The combination of these two healthy parts inside of us is what creates what I call our “inner wholeness.” If we want to experience not the divided parts but a more inclusive version of our reality, both parts—our inner mother and our inner father—must be healed and living in harmony within us. Through this inner relationship, will we build up resonance not only with the best version of ourselves, but also with the best version of humanity. A “whole humanity” focuses on all its parts, not only some. It’s inclusive (not exclusive) and treats each part with deep respect because it’s conscious that, if any part is not in balance, the whole is not in balance.
The new leaders of the world must balance all the imbalanced parts inside themselves. Separation in our reality is the consequence of our resonance with the unhealthy parts inside each of us. And that has a name—our unhealthy inner mothers and fathers.
We all talk about the importance of our mothers, but healing our inner father is crucial if we want to bring wholeness in the shape of kindness, conciliation, empathy, equality, inclusivity, solidarity, cooperation, understanding, peace, and more into the world.
Our modern societies neglect fathers. And how can they not if we have become a fatherless society? If we lack a father figure inside of us, we will lack the archetypical masculine information outside of us. Thus, we’ll reject men or manhood, and either we’ll have difficult relationships with men or they’ll have a weak presence in our lives.
So instead of judging, criticizing, or rejecting men, let’s begin by understanding the real origin and root of why we are so uncomfortable with men in our lives. For that, we have to look for answers not outside but inside each and every one of us. I invite you to ask yourself the following questions: Was my father present or absent while I was growing up? How was he present for me? Why was he absent? What are the most positive aspects I remember about my father? What feedback did I receive about my father and/or manhood from my surroundings? Who was/were the source(s) of this information?
This last question is very important! Our limited perceptions are affected by our surroundings’ limited perceptions.
Lastly, ask yourself if your mother (or the person who replaced her and who you mostly spent your time with) had a good relationship with her or his father or if her or his father was present or absent in her or his life? And why?
Fathers have a bad reputation, but it’s not entirely their responsibility. They are born into a conditioned masculine world, where men have to exercise certain roles and behave in certain ways to be accepted. And they learn this not only through the culture, religion, and other men, but also through those who, for the most part, taught them the shoulds and don’ts in life—their mothers.
While raising their sons and daughters, our mothers were conditioned by the society and culture they lived in to perpetuate the patriarchal model. Sadly, the autopilot mode that drives our lives hasn’t allowed women to become aware of this. Some women hate men outright, believing stereotypes of toxic masculinity and abuse of power apply to all men across the board, without considering men as individuals. By accepting information blindly without questioning and victimizing, as well as making general accusations about men at large and promoting hate, they consciously and unconsciously help to spread division.
In my more than 20 years working with clients in my one-on-one crystal healing sessions, I have witnessed over and over again that real change comes from the inside out—from balancing the information inside of us. Instead of following blindly without questioning, accepting, and imitating everything heard and seen around us, we must become aware of the root of the problem. For this, we must begin to question the information we receive and research, and most importantly, we must choose to consciously heal ourselves.
Healing is about looking for answers from a loving place, instead of from our ingrained beliefs and wounds or from hatred or a desire for revenge.
Even if we look deep into ourselves, we never really grow up enough or get old enough to see our parents’ marriage in fullness. We weren’t there when they met. We have no idea why they chose to be together. And we didn’t know them before they had us. Our view of them is completely shaped by what we need from them and how well they meet those needs. Neither our deepest feelings for nor our judgment of them can be separated from the nature of this relationship.
You were used to the way things were at the house you grew up in, and you didn’t know there were different ways of doing things. In this way, we learn to accept certain relationship dynamics, such as conversations devolving into screaming matches, playing the blame game, and an ever-present imbalance of power. All these become specific sources of disagreement that appear again and again, never to be resolved. The problem is that we integrate these repetitive behaviors that we repeat when we are in the presence of one another.
The important point to notice here is that each and every detail of the dynamics that characterized the relationships in your home will shape you either into wholeness or separation.
For example, let’s say your father had a bad temper, and your mother was a doormat and bowed to him. Sons who grew up with this dynamic tend to replicate their fathers’ behavior, and daughters repeat the mothers’ behavior. Throughout these children’s lives, these roles will be perpetrated. Such a son will tend to confront life through his father’s bad temper and separate people. And the daughter will feel just as her mother did, like a doormat and “not good enough,” and she’ll unconsciously separate from others. Most likely, both—daughter and son—will hold the father, not both parents responsible.
Unloving fathers are easier to talk about and blame. And doing so absolutely will not get the same kind of pushback that saying the very same thing about your mother will. The mother myths—that all women are nurturing, that mothering is instinctual, and that all mothers love unconditionally—don’t have such an embedded and prevailing counterpart when we get to dads. While focusing on your father’s influence may be easier, it may also feed your denial about your mother’s involvement and responsibility and, specifically, how her treatment of you affected your development and behavior. The hardwired need for a mother’s love and support is so strong that it’s easy to look away and rationalize, deny, and pin it all on Dad.
Did you know that, beyond fathers’ genetic contributions to their children, biology connects fathers to their unborn and newborn babies in a way that transforms the fathers? Thanks to advances in technology, an emerging body of research is revealing changes in fathers’ biology while their children are in utero and after birth in order to prepare them for fatherhood.
“During the pre-natal and post-natal period, men experience changes in hormone levels and in their brains that have an impact on their fatherhood role, suggesting that nature prepares men to become fathers. Men experience a decline in testosterone and an increase in oxytocin that accompanies the transition to fatherhood. The decline in testosterone allows fathers to have increased empathy toward their children and more oxytocin helps with father-child bonds. Additionally, there are changes in the brain and which parts of the brain react when fathers hear the cries of their children or see their children’s faces. Fathers’ and mothers’ hormone levels can change in concert after the birth of their child. How hormone levels affect parenting behavior in fathers differs across locations, cultures, socio-economic groups, and even times of the day.”
As adults, we can look at the relationship between our parents with a kind of understanding that is simply impossible for a young child or even a young adult. If your father was a tyrant or a bully, much will depend on not just how your mother acted but also what motivated her. Did she see your father as a comrade in arms or was she a facilitator who didn’t have the courage or the stamina to stand up to him?
Sometimes, our mothers see our tyrant fathers as comrades in arms because they too had tyrant fathers and didn’t know better.
Even what appears to be passivity or inactivity on the mother’s part when the father is controlling, tyrannical, or selfish can influence a daughter’s development in significant ways and complicate how she copes with the family dynamics. If your mother didn’t show through her example how to deal properly with these situations, she was teaching you to lose sight of yourself and echoing the lesson your father’s behaviors taught.
While most people grow up believing that there’s a single villain in the difficult parts of their family relationships, the road to recovery requires a more clear-eyed and balanced vision. Quartz crystals offer us that perspective when we work with them. As science has proven, they can transform and balance frequencies.
Our curiosity to examine things from all angles may open us up to see more than what we perceive and to discover solutions and possibilities by healing our “familiar” environments. Separation in our families and in the world has been going on for a long time. It’s time to heal our separation models inside of us to resonate with a better world.
As you begin to understand the dynamics in your family of origin (or the family who replaced it) with greater clarity, you will see how each of your parents became your inner patterns of separation and wholeness inside and outside of you. If you want to make this world a better place for everyone, don’t turn a blind eye to your own healing. To resonate with inclusivity, the world must stop resonating with separation. If you are parents, healers, creatives, influencers, and leaders, do the world a favor. Heal the separation patterns inside of you through crystal energy vibration! Heal your inner father to resonate with wholeness again in your life individually and collectively to make this world a better place for all of us! The world needs you right now!
 National Fatherhood Initiative: Educating and Equipping Communities to Engage with Fathers, Father Facts, 8th edition, 2019 National Fatherhood Initiative, p. 95.
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